Monday, May 20, 2024

Five Reasons You Should Watch Marvel’s Eternals

Marvel Studios’ Eternals is a new movie about eternal superheroes who emerge to fight bad guys or something. I don’t know, I haven’t seen the movie yet. Maybe they fight good guys!

If you’ve seen the exciting Eternals trailer and are visiting this website, then you must have a piqued interest in watching the movie. By reading these five reasons to watch Eternals, you will have the proverbial push off the fence you need to finally see the movie. You can rest assured this article is going to be spoiler-free and asinine-full:

1. Celestials!

Learning about the Celestials is reason number first to watch Eternals. I don’t know what Celestials are but all of my friends, family members, and pets keep talking about them. They are definitely a trending topic in my social circle. The Celestials look like giant space gods who are not to be fucked with. Are they like Unicron from The Transformers? That guy ate planets and was really mean. Are Celestials mean? Do they eat planets? I don’t read comic books or comic wikis so I have no clue about any of this.

2. The reunion of Jon Snow and Robb Stark!

Remember Game of Thrones and how awesome it was to see Jon Snow and Robb (Bobby) Stark? Well, guess what they are both in this movie! So if you liked both of those dudes, they are together again. I hope they give each other a big bro hug on camera and say, “I loved you in Game of Thrones!” just like that scene in Hot Shots: Part Deux with Charlie Sheen and Martin Sheen. That’s a reference to another movie go look it up on YouTube so you understand this joke.

3. Patton Oswalt is excited to see it!

Patton Oswalt (comedian, rat person) is very excited to see the movie and that should be a reason to convince you to see it. Why is he so excited? Is there a secret he’s hoping we discover? Is he just excited as a fan to encourage us to watch a good movie? Did he take some Jessie Spano caffeine pills? Whatever the reason, his excitement should seep into your pores and convince you to see Eternals. Now here comes that hip new website article thing where I embed a Twitter tweet below. This ensures my credibility as an Internet Movie Expertâ„¢ by convincing you I’m telling the truth about Patton Oswalt’s excitement and also it fills up a bunch of space in this article so it looks bigger:

4. Kumail Nanjiani seems like a cool dude!

Kumail Nanjiani is in this movie and he seems like a cool dude. I bet his coolness translates to his Eternals character. Wouldn’t you prefer to watch a movie that has cool people in it? Did you see him in that X-Files episode? The one about a lizardman pretending to be human? That was a good episode, it was funny and not scary. I don’t like the scary X-Files episodes. They give me night mares/terrors. Anyway, go follow Kumail on Twitter so you can read about his cool exploits and be sure to tell him I said hi.

5. I need you to go because I can’t and you should tell me what happens!

Helping me, a fellow human, should be enough to convince you to watch the movie. I’m busy this weekend with kids’ birthday parties and working overtime and playing video games. I need you to go watch Eternals and tell me what happens. I’m fully aware there will be spoilers but I don’t want to miss out on talking about the movie with my friends. Feel free to send me an email or Twitter DM, thus allowing me to me live vicariously through your theater experience. We could even use walkie talkies if you want to give me play-by-play during the movie as long as you go to a theater that’s close to my house.

Thank you for reading another Cinema Listed dot com article. I hope it didn’t feel like an eternity to read! Get it?? With the movie title and the words? Please laugh at my jokes I’m lonely and hungry.

If you weren’t convinced to go watch Eternals after reading this article then I don’t know what else will convince you.

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