Saturday, July 20, 2024

Watch These Thanksgiving Movies While Avoiding Your Family!

Thanksgiving is an underrated holiday with many traditions. What’s not to love about food, family, friends, football, and boozing up so much that you pass out on the floor spooning the turkey carcass while soaked in a pool of gravy/your own vomit?

Another Thanksgiving tradition (HOW’S THAT FOR A SEGUE) is to watch a movie after eating and before fighting old ladies for a Playstation 5 on Black Friday. Here is a list of the best four Thanksgiving movies you should watch as determined by me, an Internet Movie Expert­™.

1. Scent of a Woman

Here’s what you tell your kids to get them excited to watch this movie instead of watching Paw Patrol for the gazillionth time: Al Pacino is blind and dances the tango and says “hooah!” a lot and then chokes out the bad guy from Billy Madison.

Note: Scent of a Woman is not actually a kids movie and I don’t recommend you show it to your kids let them watch Paw Patrol for god’s sake what kind of monster are you.

2. A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

All I remember from this movie is Snoopy making this bomb-ass Thanksgiving dinner with toast and popcorn candy and then Peppermint Patty throws it back in his face because she is an ungrateful sack of garbage. If I was Snoopy in that situation I would’ve flipped the table.

3. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

John Candy has a sweet mustache in this movie as an overeager salesman who bunks up with Martin’s straight-laced businessman as they overcome the perils of holiday travel together. Yes it kind of sounds like the premise for a gay porno but I assure you it’s a holiday movie! Sure, a cell phone and Uber would totally negate this movie in modern times, but it’s still funny and you should tell your kids to stop TikTokking and teach them about the legendary John Candy (R.I.P. Camp Candy). What I’m trying to say is get off your ass and do some real parenting by putting your kids in front of a movie while you take a nap (R.I.P. Uncle Buck).

4. Die Hard

Die Hard is an awesome movie and for years people have debated if it’s a Thanksgiving movie. Here is why Die Hard is a Thanksgiving movie: it has people eating (just like on Thanksgiving), it has a family arguing with each other (just like on Thanksgiving), it has people watching football (just like on Thanksgiving), it has people punching each other (just like on Thanksgiving), and it has people drinking Coca-Cola (just like on Thanksgiving). Look I’m just trying to fill out this list please just go with it.

I’ve graced your cornucopia with the best Thanksgiving movies to watch. Now go eat some Toblerone and hide out in the trunk of your car to avoid listening to your family drone on about how Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie! Happy Thanksgiving, Mr. Falcon!

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