The new James Bond movie, No Time to Die, just released in theaters. As exciting as it to see another James Bond movie, let us never forget the past James Bond movies that came before. Except for Never Say Never Again and the weird acid-trip Casino Royale. Let us always forget those movies.
According to me, here is every James Bond movie, listed from worst to best. No complaints. Moneypenny don’t date complainers.
For Your Eyes Only
I don’t remember shit about this movie. Next.
This time it’s James Bond in India as he tracks down Faberge eggs and hangs out with circus folk. This was a slog to watch, but the opening sequence with the mini jet coming out of the horse’s ass is decent. Also, big shoutout to the producers for dumping the Brinks truck on the censor’s doorstep to get this title approved.
Diamonds are Forever
Sean Connery returns to the role of Bond for some reason (money). He must have wanted another shot at playing Bond after Lazenby’s single turn (also money). How noble of him to come back to to play Bond for the fans (and money). This movie is rough, but at least it features Jill St. John and Lana Wood (p.s. money good).
This time it’s James Bond…in space! He fights a villain who wants to destroy Earth…in space! There’s a big aerial fight at the beginning and then there’s a big laser space battle where EVERYONE GETS LASERS. That’s about all I remember from this movie it’s like three hours long I fell asleep during large chunks of it.
Die Another Day
Ah the early 2000’s. What a wild, excessive time they were. This movie crammed as many wacky ideas into a James Bond movie as possible: hovercraft, ice palaces, surfing tsunamis, Diamond Face, Madonna. Also there’s lasers in this one too! EVERYONE GETS LASERS.
A View to a Kill
Roger Moore is looking fairly pruney by this outing, and he fights an ultra-hammy “super soldier” Christopher Walken. There’s a couple of decent set pieces with the Eiffel Tower, Golden Gate Bridge, and opening ski chase, and nothing says the 80’s like Duran Duran and a Grace Jones lovemaking scene.
The World is Not Enough
It’s another Pierce Brosnan outing where he fights a bad guy and there’s some nukes and guns and snow fights and whatever. But, this one has Denise Richards! If she ever stumbles upon this article let her know that I’m a fan and Dr. Jones is the bomb, yo!
License to Kill
James Bond is pissed so he goes all Mad Max on a bunch of drug dealers. It’s basically The Road Warrior meets James Bond. Minus the Humungus. And that feral child. Ok, it’s nothing like The Road Warrior, but there is a tanker chase scene and also some brutal deaths and some dirt. It’s the 80’s, baby!
The Living Daylights
James Bond is back and he’s fighting the Russians again! There’s some standard Bond stuff happening here: damsel in distress, shoot bad guys, pray Joe Don Baker doesn’t pop off again. It’s the 80’s, comrade!
Just watch the opening tracking Dia de los Muertos scene, and the car chase scene. A lot of other stuff doesn’t make sense, like how does Hinx not immediately choke slam Bond through the train and how did that Sam Smith theme song win an Academy Award? Just watch the opening scene.
Live and Let Die
This is Roger Moore’s first Bond film, and what a better way to start than by…*checks notes* …fighting black people? Oh my. Well, the opening theme is one of the best and Baron Samedi should get his own movie. Also, I bet people tried to recreate that alligator stunt and were probably eaten or at least bit a lot.
Quantum of Solace
Ok, Quantum of Solace gets a lot of crap because it’s a lot different than the good Casino Royale. A paper-thin plot and weak villain in a Jason Bourne-style movie with a garbage opening theme… it really sounds bad on paper. But, for all its faults, it’s James traveling around and kicking ass. People get shot, things go boom, everyone goes their separate ways at the end. High fives all around.
It’s James Bond…in water! A lot of Sean Connery swimsuit and boating action in this one. This is the James Bond movie for all the ladies out there who love their men hairy and wearing vinyl swimsuits and harpooning other dudes.
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
This is the one where George Lazenby had to fill the biggest, hairiest shoes by replacing Sean Connery as James Bond. Also, Telly Savalas is Blofeld for some reason. The opening theme is awesome and then I don’t know whatever else happens it’s basic standard Bonding.
This was the first James Bond movie and it still holds up. I remember watching this when I was younger and seeing Quarrel get roasted by the dragon-truck thing. I was hoping he was ok. But he wasn’t. Then I was sad. R.I.P. Quarrel. James Bond didn’t even attend his funeral.
The Man with the Golden Gun
I like this movie because it had James dealing with a worthy rival. No, not Scaramanga. His little person henchman, Nick Nack. That guy was a real dick. A real little dick. Also, whoever added the slide whistle over the amazing corkscrew car jump was a dick, too.
The Spy Who Loved Me
This movie is about James Bond fighting a dude Karl Stromberg who wants to nuke all life on dry land and create a new life under the sea. Bond has to team up with a spicy Soviet female spy to stop Ol’ Stromboli from creating a global nuclear war. Also, why did they call the henchman Jaws? They should’ve named him ‘Teeth’ or ‘Grillz’ because it’s his teeth that are metal, not his jaw. “Oh bollocks, here comes Big Grillz!” they could’ve said.
No, not the weird David Niven/Peter Sellers version. The 2006 version of Casino Royale where Daniel Craig plays a rookie Bond who is a “heartless bastard” but actually has a heart of gold. The big battle of this movie is, that’s right you guessed it, a deadly Texas Hold’Em game.
From Russia with Love
This movie was cool because it had a guy hunting James Bond. But it was a long movie. It’s like three hours and not a ton happens. But it looks cool and there’s a train scene and a boat scene.
You Only Live Twice
This is Bond in Japan. He watches a sumo wrestling tournament, fights alongside ninjas, and pretends to be a Japanese fisherman. Ok on paper it sounds real stereotypical, but Bond fights The Rock’s uncle and the theme song is one of the best in the series. Also, this is the version of Blofeld that’s the best because he looks like a frustrated pet owner desperately trying to hold onto his freaked out cat while bombs and gunshots are popping off all around. That cat looks like it’s going to shit everywhere and run through a wall.
This is a classic Bond film about fighting a rich guy who wants to make others poor. The guy is named Goldfinger, and yet, he doesn’t have any gold fingers. Real missed opportunity there. But this one has it all: huge set-pieces, an interesting villain and henchman, exotic locations, and iconic scenes like the lady covered in gold paint and Oddjob cutting a statue’s head off with his hat. Also more lasers! EVERYONE GETS LASERS.
Tomorrow Never Dies
I love the opening scene of this movie so much that’s why it’s ranked this high. That’s about it really. I watch that opening terrorist bazaar scene too much and then rewind.
Some people call it James Bond meets The Dark Knight meets Home Alone. And to that I say, so what? I love all those things. I will never forget watching this movie in the theater and during the last five minutes of this movie someone’s baby starting crying but they didn’t leave. Everyone was pissed. Especially that baby.
This was the Bond movie for me. Cool villain, a plot and time period that makes sense, awesome action scenes. Best Bond girls also. Pierce Brosnan will always be my Bond and Judi Dench will always be my M and Sean Bean will always be my guy who never dies in movies. I cheered for Boris to survive and in my mind he did survive and you can’t tell me otherwise because he’s invincible. Also there’s a watch laser in this movie! EVERYONE GETS LASERS.
GoldenEye 007 for the Nintendo 64
Only the real ones spent hundreds of hours on GoldenEye for the Nintendo 64 in the basement with your homies and bags of Doritos and gallons of Dr. Pepper playing grenade launchers in the Stack. Also, Siberian Special Forces was the best guy because he looked like a snow ninja he should get his own spinoff movie.
As James Bond would say, ” bloody hell you read another Cinema Listed dot com article?!” Be sure to watch No Time to Die in theaters and let me know if James Bond will return because I usually leave before the credits end to beat the traffic.