Monday, May 20, 2024

5 Questions for Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

After watching the final Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker trailer about 20 times, I regret to inform you that I still don’t know what’s going to happen in this movie. Even after moving my head closer to my computer screen, I couldn’t see any spoilers hidden in the trailer (I was hoping it would be like one of those Magic Eye posters where a sailboat or giraffe is revealed). So, like any good self-proclaimed Internet Movie Expert™ pacing nervously trying to drum up content, I’ve written a list of five questions to distract you from the fact that I clearly have no new Star Wars information:

1. Do you think Emperor Palpatine is going commando under his robe?
Emperor Palpatine has the kindest eyes

Why would an all powerful wizard zombie care about underwear? He can do whatever he wants and he clearly is not going to have some sort of relationship where his partner might ask he put on some undies or at least a loin cloth. I mean he’s basically feral at this point. If you survived a fall down a giant hole while shooting finger lightning into your supposed best friend’s eyes (that’s right Darth Vader was his best friend), wouldn’t you have a devil may care attitude after that? Also, I don’t know why Palpatine had a giant crevasse in his throne room (my guess: space toilet), but it was clearly his downfall PUN INTENDED.

2. Will C-3PO really die?
C-3PO gonna die?

In the trailer, there’s a quick clip where C-3PO is having open robot brain surgery. He then says he wants to see his friends one last time. Does this mean it’s time to send the Big 3 to the great junkyard in the sky? I hope so! Choo choo! All aboard the Disney merchandising train gotta make way for new robots to promote like that little vacuum doggy guy!

3. Will someone in the movie say the line “It’s The Rise of Skywalker!”?

Yes. Finn. At the two hour mark.

4. Where was Lando in the trailer?
Lando is not a planet he is a man

Billy Dee Williams has come out of a nearly 40-year hibernation to star in this movie and he’s been all over the press junket promoting this movie. Yet, he wasn’t featured in the final TRoS trailer. What gives? C’mon, Disney. Way to dangle some fanservice in our face only to take it away. You bastards! YOU TRULY ARE THE EVILEST OF EMPIRES YOU GODDAMN MONEY-GRUBBING CORPORATION

Oh wait there he is. He’s in the large group of people drinking some Colt 45 (probably) and also he’s shown flying the Falcon with Chewbacca. Look, it’s late and I’ve nothing in my stomach but Star Wars Cereal™ so I black out a lot. Please don’t leave me, Disney!

5. Do you think they eat Doritos® in the Star Wars universe?

According to Scientific Fact Magazine, Doritos® are awesome. Are there Doritos® in the Star Wars universe? There probably wouldn’t be so many wars in the stars if people bonded in space over a fresh bag of Doritos. I bet Boba Fett likes the Cool Ranch Doritos®. He seems like a Cool Ranch kind of guy. Look there’s even a bag of Doritos® with his dad on it like an athlete featured on a box of Wheaties®. I swear to god I made up the fact that Boba Fett would like Cool Ranch Doritos® and then I googled ‘Boba Fett Doritos” and booyah there’s a picture of his dad about to get beheaded all over a bag of Cool Ranch.

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker is in theaters on December 20. This article is in no way sponsored by Doritos® but if they want to throw some money my way that would be awesome. I mean I basically have carpal tunnel from typing that ® symbol so many times they owe me.

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