Monday, May 20, 2024
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5 End-of-the-World Movies to Watch While Quarantined

Some dude got blacked out on Zimas and went into a cave to eat some bats and started a worldwide pandemic that has us quarantined like a bunch of lepers. So, until someone (Doc McStuffins?) discovers a cure for coronavirus/COVID-19, we’re all on house arrest trying to “flatten the curve” like a plastic surgeon giving a fat guy a breast reduction.

While you’re home wasting large chunks of time and eating entire rolls of toilet paper, I recommend watching these end-of-the-world movies to truly bathe in this predicament we’re facing (but no seriously stay at home and don’t infect people and stop pretending your addiction to Costco chicken bakes is “essential”):

Independence Day

A bunch of aliens incinerate cities around the Earth so we sent Will Smith to punch an alien and Jeff Goldblum to upload some some hot bat malware to the alien mothership, thus annihilating the aliens and showing that Americans are still number 1 at creating civilization-ending viruses. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Avengers: Infinity War

The Avengers (the Marvel superheroes, not the fancy British agents) and other heroes try to defeat the powerful Thanos before he destroys half of all life.

…Well they fail.

Thanos uses the Infinity Stones to dustify half of the living creatures in the universe and then runs away after the biggest mic drop in history. What a dick. Oh I guess that’s a spoiler (the destroying of life part, not the dick part).

How did he know he wouldn’t be included in the random, indeterminate half that gets turned to dust? Did he make sure he wished that right before he snapped his fingers? Maybe there’s an alternate ending where he dies and leaves the Infinity Gauntlet and Stones and the Avengers go, “well that worked out, let’s just wish everybody back except that guy. Phew, that guy was a diiiiiick.”

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Get it? At World’s End? End-of-the-world movies to watch? HIGH FIVE!

Pirates go around buckling swashes and there’s water and explosions and then everyone goes “yo ho ho” and they all sail off into the sunset. You know. Typical pirating stuff.

Also, this movie contains my favorite moment of the Pirates series. It’s when Captain Jack Sparrow randomly uses the phrase “Q.E.D.” in a sentence and then I had to Google what that meant and then I chuckled, amused. There are a lot of good moments in the series, but that’s my favorite for some reason. I…have weird tastes.

The World’s End

Ok this one doesn’t have pirates in it, and it’s not related to the Pirates movie, but it does have aliens (they’re kind of like pirates…in space?) and it’s called The World’s End. Get it? World’s End? End-of-the-world movies to watch? Clever, right?? Please don’t leave me.

Simon Pegg and Nick Frost and go on a pub crawl and want to drink beer but aliens and Pierce Brosnan try to stop them. The moral here is that you should watch any movie with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost and also aliens are beer snobs and should be punched in the head with barstools.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

I mean holy shit how devastating would it be to be crushed to death by a giant meatball hurtling down from the sky like a goddamn beefy meteor!? Your obituary would read “Beefed to death.” For that matter, any food dropping from the sky at terminal velocity just destroying cities and dogs and people suffocating from too much gravy and impalement from french fries. Just horrible, apocalyptic stuff. I’d rather be infected by Jeff Goldblum’s bat virus. CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS IS THE SCARIEST MOVIE ON THIS LIST DON’T LET YOUR KIDS WATCH IT THEY WILL PEE THE BED LIKE I DID.

There you have it folks, some movies to watch while in isolation. Everyone stay safe at home until Optimus Prime arrives with the Matrix of Leadership (Google it, you non-nerds) and destroys the ‘Rona virus.

You got the touch.

You got the powerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (Ask Jeeves about it, you non-nerds)

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