Monday, May 20, 2024

The Best Football Movies Ever

AUTHOR’S NOTE: I don’t want to get sued so the annual end-of-season football game that is taking place this Sunday will henceforth be referred to as the Soup for Bowel game.

This Sunday it’s time to watch the Soup for Bowel game! God, I love the Soup for Bowel game and I just want to lap it all up while eating some Saltines. Really hits the spot on a cold winter’s day to sit down and enjoy the Soup for Bowel.

Air Bud: Golden Receiver

The classic tale of a football team being so bad at their sport that they can no longer rely on humans to help them and must turn to an animal (in this case, Air Bud, a dog who was the original AB) to help them win games. Air Bud can do it all: catch a football, run for a touchdown, and bite the other team in the heiny. According to Scientific Fact Magazine, one sad note about Air Bud: Golden Receiver is that Air Bud would later be diagnosed with CTE and his owners would be charged with animal abuse for allowing a dog to play a full contact sport without a real face mask.

Air Bud 3: Pug Pug Hike!

Barktrick Mahounds, a pug, secures his team’s victory in the football championship. With seconds to go and his team up by three points, his team fumbled the ball and it was recovered by the opposing team’s linebacker, Leon Lycan, a large Irish Wolfhound. As Leon was racing towards the endzone to snatch victory for his team, he began to celebrate too early. The little pug Mahounds caught him and stripped the ball from Leon’s mouth to prevent the touchdown and secure the win.

Air Bud 6: When the New Orleans Saint Bernards Go Marching In 

Devastated by a hurricane in their city, a team of football playing Saint Bernards rally the city around them and to defeat the San Diego Chihuahuas in the championship. This was the first movie in the Air Bud series to be rated R due to the graphic violence of 11 Saint Bernards brutally biting and thrashing a team of chihuahuas.

This was the first movie in the Air Bud series to be rated R due to the graphic violence of 11 Saint Bernards brutally biting and thrashing a team of chihuahuas.

Air Bud 10: Holy Shih Tzu Should’ve Run the Ball

The thrilling climax to this movie featured the villainous team at the one yard line at the end of the game. Instead of handing the ball off to their featured running back, Mastiff Lynch, for an easy touchdown run, the team decided to throw the ball instead. Which is silly because everyone knows the odds of a dog throwing a football to another dog are nearly zero and they should’ve handed the ball off instead. I mean what were they thinking when they have Mastiff Lynch, a mammoth 200-lb. English Mastiff in the backfield? Just horrible play calling and, god-willing, something that should surely haunt the coaches for the rest of their lives.

Honorable mentions: The Longest Yard (2006), The Replacements, that random football scene from Wedding Crashers, and Man Getting Hit by Football.

There ya go. Another list complete and just in time to enjoy the Soup for Bowel on Sunday! You’ll have to excuse me, I get so excited talking about the Soup for Bowel that sometimes I dribble a little bit of excitement down my chin!

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