REVIEW: Scoob!

Scoob! is a movie about a talking dog and his human friends (Mulder, Scully, Doggett, and Reyes) driving around in a van investigating mysteries including a massive government conspiracy to hide the existence of aliens and other paranormal phenomena that would otherwise crush the public’s psyche. It’s a family movie!

PROS!
  • I was able to watch this movie while in my underwear on my couch. Try that at the movie theater and you will dragged out onto the street and all the kids will laugh at you for wearing Scooby Doo underwear even though it encases my thunder down under and Scooby’s brown fur hides skidmarks and why are kids so cruel with their relentless taunting.
  • Lots of Hanna-Barbera characters appear in the movie because they are trying to make a Hanna-Barbara cinematic universe. Captain Caveman, Captain Blue Falcon, Jabberjaw, The Cigarette Smoking Man, Grape Ape.
  • No Scrappy Doo. To all you Scrappy Doo fans I’m sorry but he is the worst character ever and you should rethink your life.
CONS!
  • No Harlem Globetrotter or Casey Kasem appearances
  • Nobody goes, “HOLY SHIT THAT DOG CAN TALK!?” in the movie. Seriously. That would be my first question when meeting Scooby Doo or any other talking animal. The dogs can talk. Not even the best dog in existence Air Bud can talk. Yet people take all these talking dogs at face value and never question why they can speak or walk upright or never poop. We should immediately call the authorities to dissect these dogs for our own scientific benefit/entertainment.
  • Remember that carnival robot and space skeleton from the old Scooby Doo, Where Are You! cartoons? Of course you don’t. Well, those guys scared the shit out of me and both haunt my dreams until this day. I will never be rid of the robot’s lifeless yellow eyes as it unflinchingly runs through walls trying to viciously crush Scooby’s windpipe without emotion. Or the space skeleton’s shrieks of horror as it crashes it’s spaceship on a desolate farmland. No matter how much I try to run away from the nightmares of the carnival robot and space skeleton, I will always remember the sheer terror they inflicted around them and their relentless pursuit of of Shaggy and Scooby (who probably cope with their PTSD through psychotropic medication and Scooby Snacks). The night terrors I must live through are a direct result of the carnival robot and space skeleton. These are the mental images that will haunt me on my deathbed. Please tell the world my story.

998,435 stars

out of 1,000,000 stars

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