Monday, May 20, 2024

5 Times They Should’ve Just Stabbed Thanos in the Head

Avengers: Infinity War and Avengers: Endgame were awesome movies. The culmination of 22 Marvel Cinematic Universe movies, the double feature became cultural milestones for their plots, characters, action, humor, and heart. This Internet Movie Expertâ„¢ considers Infinity War a top ten awesome movie. But, the main thing that bothers me about these movies is how the superheroes could’ve just offed Thanos sooner had they stabbed him in the head (or had Ant-Man crawl up his anus). Why did they keep trying to brute force club him like a bunch of goddamn Captain Cavemans?

Here’s a list of the five times the Avengers should’ve stabbed Thanos in the head and been done with all his shenanigans. If you haven’t watched Infinity War or Endgame, then watch them first to avoid spoilers and because I know your friends want to finally talk to you about that part in Infinity War when that one superhero said that funny thing and then you’ll both laugh together instead of your friend laughing alone and you kind of just standing there with your mouth open like Butthead.

Star Lord in Infinity War

The entire team is holding down Thanos and he’s under a spell. Then Star Lord/Peter Quill gets all mad about his girlfriend. And starts punching him? Why aren’t you furious enough to stab him through his eyeballs with your fancy space gun? If some dude killed my girl you better believe I’m putting a knife through his face. Or at least cutting his arms. Ok, no I won’t do that. I’m a big weiner person and the thought of all that blood makes me squeamish. But you better believe I’d at least hire someone to do something gross. Then I’d probably cry a little. And maybe eat a bunch of ice cream sandwiches.

Thor in Infinity War

Ok, the obvious one is the Thor scene at the end of Infinity War where he throws Stormbreaker (that’s the name of his axe) into Thanos’ shoulder for some reason. Thanos even says to Thor, “you should’ve gone for the head.” Everyone in the theater said, ” you should’ve gone for the head.” It’s like on a game show where the contestant says THE DUMBEST POSSIBLE ANSWER EVER and the audience boos or goes “OHHHHhhhhh no.” Then the host looks at the cameras all flabbergasted and makes a witty remark that just piles on the trauma. Then the contestant tries to smile through the pain but you know they are just crying and shitting on the inside and they can’t wait to shrink back to their hometown and plead with their friends to not watch the episode when it airs.

It’s fuckin simple: set your immovable hammer on Thanos’ thumb so he can’t snap, then chop at his face like a lumberjack removing a tree stump. Or have Ant-Man crawl up his anus and then expand.

Captain Marvel in Endgame

Again, why did Captain Marvel/ Carol Danvers try to wrestle the gauntlet off his hand? You just flew through a spaceship the size of a 50 Costcos. Yet you try to pull the gauntlet from his hand? Zoom through his dome at Mach 5 and take your sweet time removing the gauntlet from his carcass. Or have Ant-Man crawl up his carcass and expand. It would be like that one time they exploded a whale with dynamite.

Scarlet Witch in Endgame

Scarlet Witch is royally pissed cause Thanos killed her boyfriend Vision (and also destroyed half of life, I guess). So she tries to strangle his body like a grape and like peel his armor off? She should’ve used her red glowy light powers to make hundreds of stakes turn his head into a pin cushion. Or hold him until Ant-Man can crawl up his anus.

Iron Man in Endgame

Iron Man/Tony Stark pulls all the Infinity Stones off of Thanos’ glove and…immediately kills himself and Thanos. WHAT AN IDIOT! Use the Stones and make a big sword or something. Or a giant piece of paper and give Thanos a giant papercut through the face. Do something with all that power you just acquired instead of making a wish for the bad guys to go away and you die. I would’ve wished for a big stick to fly through Thanos’ head and also that no blood would come out cause blood is icky and makes me nauseous.

Now that you’ve trudged your way through another Cinema Listed article, I hope the next time you watch Infinity War and/or Endgame all you think about is how the Avengers missed so many opportunities to stab Thanos. Then you’ll go, “I can’t believe I remembered anything from that crappy movie website.”

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