Every movie website has to sign a blood pact guaranteeing they’ll write a ranking listicle for all of the Star Wars movies. Now that my questions for The Rise of Skywalker have been answered, I think it’s time to shed some blood for the throne of Disney and create my expert list for all of the Star Wars movies.
I’m lazy and if you want in depth paragraphs of each Star Wars movie, well buddy, this is definitely not the list you’re looking for (<—GET IT??):
12. The Clone Wars (2008 movie)
- Go watch The Clone Wars TV series instead.
- I don’t remember shit about this movie.
11. The Rise of Skywalker
- Two Daisy Ridleys are in this movie.
- Han Solo reappears. Han Solo is cool and they should’ve renamed this movie “Star Wars Episode IX: We Swear There Will Be Like 2 Minutes of Han Solo.”
- No hot makeout scene between the two Daisy Ridleys.
- They used hot neon Elmer’s Glue to put Kylo’s helmet back together. Should’ve used Gorilla Glue.
10. The Last Jedi
- Everything looks cool, including that crazy not-Hoth planet that bleeds.
- There’s a scene where there’s like 50 Daisy Ridley’s hanging out.
- We didn’t see Chewbacca viciously murdering/eating that Porg.
- They should’ve auto-piloted some droids to lightspeed ships into the First Order like a bunch of speed-of-light suicide missiles.
- I did want to see Luke laser-sword the entire First Order.
9. The Phantom Menace
- The podracing scene because it spawned a kickass Nintendo 64 game.
- The shiny royal starship was all shiny and cool looking.
- The battle droids go “Roger, Roger” and my friends and I would repeat that because we thought it was funny.
- No Daisy Ridley or Han Solo in this one. They should’ve renamed this movie “Star Wars Episode I: No Daisy Ridley or Han Solo in this Movie Don’t Even Bother.”
8. The Force Awakens
- WHO GIVES A SHIT HAN SOLO WAS MURDERED
- INSERT JERRY SEINFELD I’M OUTTA HERE GIF.
- THEY KILLED HAN SOLO THOSE TERRIBLE MOTHERFUCKERS.
7. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
- Seeing the Death Star explode things and zip around space like a carnival ride.
- The Darth Vader scene where he chops up all those rebels and everyone in the audience is cheering and clapping and the movie theater owner was so nice that he hit rewind and let us watch that scene again and everyone is just hooting and hollering and popping these bloodlusty murderboners.
- No Han Solo or Daisy Ridley in this one, either.
- The rag tag team of Bad News Bears was cool until they were jobbed due to plot armor.
6. Solo: A Star Wars Story
- Han Solo is the man! They should’ve renamed this movie “Han Solo: A Star Wars Story About Han Solo P.S. No Daisy Ridley But Lots of Han Solo in This One.”
- That hot Han and Chewie shower scene.
- Cool yaks on the poster.
- They didn’t do the digital de-aging thing to Harrison Ford and Billy Dee Williams for an entire movie.
- Again, no Daisy Ridley in this one.
5. Attack of the Clones
- The Obi Wan vs. Jango Fett Kamino fight.
- The Obi Wan vs. Jango Fett space battle with the seismic charges that are really quiet for a second and then go “BWONNGGGG” real loud when they explode.
- When I saw this in the theater on opening day as a kid I had to sit next to some dude with really stinky B.O. and that was unpleasant.
4. Revenge of the Sith
- The Battle over Coruscant opening scene (RIP R4).
- I still like to believe that Mace Windu survived getting his arm chopped off. And being electrocuted. And falling an extreme height. Ok…on paper it sounds really bad…
- No Han Solo or Daisy Ridley in this one. Is that the revenge the Sith wanted? To deny us Han Solo and Daisy Ridley??
3. Return of the Jedi
- Leia in a metal bikini
- But no seriously: Leia in a metal bikini
- Lando piloting the Millenium Falcon into the Death Star’s anus.
- That scene where that one Ewok is zapped and the other Ewok is like “get up…oh god get up” really traumatized me as a kid but I suppressed that memory by pretending that Ewok was alive in another scene and his face was just really burnt as if a cartoonish-cigar exploded in his face.
- No Daisy Ridley. C’mon Disney, digitally add her as a Force Ghost and have her say, “you don’t know who I am…yet…”
2. A New Hope
- Han Solo stone cold murders a lot of people.
- I used to reenact the Death Star trench run with Super Nintendo cartridges and blanket forts.
- Where is Daisy Ridley she needs to fight in all of the Star Wars!
1. The Empire Strikes Back
- AHAHAHAHAHA DID YOU THINK EMPIRE WASN’T GOING TO BE THE BEST STAR WARS MOVIE?
- THE ENTIRE MOVIE IS PRO
- I swear that scene where Luke is watching the Millenium Falcon escape from the Hoth Echo Base, his eyes aren’t matched up to the Falcon. Looks like he’s slightly looking ahead of it. Watch the scene again. You will never unsee it.
- No Daisy Ridley 🙁 🙁 🙁
Just remember that sportsmanship matters and that you should treat each Star Wars movie as a team that deserves your handshake after the game.
Good games, Star Warses, good games.