Some dude tried to hump a bat in China and now the deadly coronavirus/COVID-19 has spread throughout the world, forcing everyone to panic hoard toilet paper, plungers, and cases of 2000 Flushes to survive the onslaught of diarrhea brought on by the virus.
Even the sports world is gripped in this pandemic. Numerous sports leagues at all levels are canceled or delayed. Hell, ESPN is so desperate for content they’re showing the Spelling Bee!
They’ve been showing that for years?? Oh god Charley Steiner must be rolling around in his* grave!
Well, if you’re missing all of that sweet basketball action due to the pandemic, fear not for Hollywood has supplied you with a healthy dose of basketball movies to cure your ails.
Many sports experts have called me the “Mexorean Digger Phelps” because I used to eat highlighters and because my starting lineup for the best five basketball movies is a winner. HUT HUT HIKE!
A bunch of Looney Tunes recruit baseball star Michael Jordan to save their world by playing a game of basketball against a bunch of mean aliens. Yes, it sounds like an absurd premise: Michael Jordan playing baseball (you must remember this movie is a work of fiction), but I assure you the formula works and the movie has plenty of slapstick humor, sports action, and even a sexy female bunny for all you atrocious perverts.
According to Scientific Fact Magazine, the movie’s promotional website, spacejam.com, is still one of the internet’s most visited websites. Seriously, click on it and be amazed (not a phishing link) at the extremely colorful webpages, low res photos, broken soundtrack links, and tips on how to play basketball. You can even download a trailer to the movie – “The jamminest two minutes of trailer that ever hit a theater.”
A small, unknown team of African-Americans is lead by a white coach through a major national tournament in the 1800’s. There was a lot more flogging and violence than I would’ve thought would take place during a basketball tournament, but all of us basketball fans know the old school game was tougher than this weak game the kids play nowadays.
The movie features the championship played on a sand basketball court (must not have had hardwood courts yet) and the refs allowed the home team to pull out a suspicious amount of guns and swords! Rucker Park ain’t got shit on this!
That basketball scene from Catwoman
There have been many rivalries in the game of basketball:
- Bird vs. Magic
- Celtics vs. Lakers
- Russell vs. Chamberlain
- Pierce vs. Bryant (RIP)
Time for all you sporting nerds to add Catwoman vs. that guy from Miss Congeniality to the Ultimate BBall Rivalry List because this scene brings the same intensity and competitive spirit as those other basketball rivalries. One is a female, cat-like person while the other is a guy who is there. I’m fairly certain the top NBA coaches use this scene as as teaching tool to show their players how to get real handsy and dry hump their way to victory like the 1989 Detroit Pistons.
White Men Can’t Jump
Come for Wesley and Woody playing hoops, stay for Rosie Perez kicking ass on Jeopardy!
This is a good movie and Spike Lee should make more basketball movies and bring back Mars and stop cheering for the Knicks (cheer for the SuperSonics instead, they could really use a fan these days I barely hear about them).
Air Bud 8: All Dogs Go to Hoopin’
Basketball has produced some heated rivalries in the name of sport:
- Magic vs. Bird
- Lakers vs. Celtics
- Chamberlain vs. Russell
- That guy from Miss Congeniality vs. Catwoman (RIP)
In this crossover Air Bud sequel, Air Bud faces his toughest rival yet: Teen Wolf. After winning multiple sports championships, Air Bud has increased his fame, fortune, and breeding mates. But Teen Wolf (after hitting the skids due to his conviction for murdering cattle…because he’s part wolf) challenges Bud to a one-on-one match to decide who is the best basketballer. Prior to the match, a scuffle breaks out and Wolf bites Air Bud’s manager, Dickey Dog, giving him a fatal case of rabies. Air Bud spends most of the movie sulking over Dickey’s passing, but finally develops a new training regimen that includes more streetball moves after training with the Junkyard Dogs.
During the film’s climactic rematch, Air Bud and Teen Wolf exchange baskets until the final minutes, when Bud finally defeats Wolf by using his new streetball technique: dragging his poopy ass along the hardwood causing Teen Wolf to forfeit in disgust.
There ya have it, fellow quarantiners. The best 5 basketball movies ever. Be sure to watch them while you eat chunks of 2000 Flushes and stave off coronarrhea.