Thursday, April 18, 2024
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REVIEW: Jumanji: The Next Level

Jumanji: The Next Level is the third movie in the Jumanji movie series. The direct sequel to Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, the movie again traps a group of teens in a video game world where they have to work together to defeat a villain to escape the game. But this time, the malfunctioning game has a few more twists and adds a couple geriatric characters to liven up the video game party. According to Scientific Fact Magazine, older people love to play video games and party and drink Mountain Dew.


The all-star team cast adds a few more all stars for good measure. This thing is packed with A-list talent – Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Kevin Hart, Jack Black, Karen Gillan, Awkafina, Nick Jonas. Even seasoned vets like Danny DeVito, Danny Glover, and Lilith from Frasier star in the movie. Each cast member shines during their screen time. Is this one of Jack Black’s best movies? No, but it still counts as a fun, entertaining adventure with great chemistry between the cast.

I like how the movie calls out each character’s strengths and weaknesses. For example, Ruby Roundhouse is a martial arts and dance fighting master, but has a weakness to venom. Just like in real life, how we all have strengths and weaknesses. My strengths are taking naps and performing remarkable high fives. My weakness is my inability to make money writing asinine movie reviews.

The movie’s runtime is just shy of two hours. I drank a bunch of Mountain Dew Code Red (gamer fuel for a gamer movie don’t judge me) and had to go potty real bad. Thankfully, the two hour runtime was short enough that I could hold my bladder with only minimal leakage to my couch. If Jumanji: The Next Level was a real video game, I probably would’ve peed my couch a few times. Plus, I already turned over the cushions to hide my accident from that marathon session of Q*Bert last month so I really couldn’t afford another accident.


Why didn’t the characters just use a Game Genie to beat the game? Everyone knows a Game Genie is the easiest way to overpower a video game. I was like, “hey The Rock, why don’t you just plug in a Game Genie and enter the code for invincibility or Goku or to summon like a bunch of The Rocks to smash Jurgen’s head in?” That’s why I always carry a Game Genie in my backpack in case I’m ever sucked into a video game world.

Why hasn’t Jumanji crossed-over to the world of esports and livestreamers? There should be Jumanji tournaments. I’d watch some nerds livestreaming the Jumanji game on Twitch. Just imagine ostriches and rhinos and bad guys just running through walls live on camera. I would love to watch the chaos as I sip my Mountain Dew Baja Blast. I would subscribe to every Jumanji streamer…until they are trampled by a horde of mandrills.

So there ya have it! Go watch Jumanji: The Next Level and don’t forget IT’S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE.

999,898 stars

out of 1,000,000 stars

Click the image below to stream Jumanji: The Next Level ! If you do, Amazon will pay me a pittance so I can buy one of those Legend of Zelda CD-i games all the kids are talking about on TicTac or whatever:

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